Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Ugly Side of Insecurity

I've been taking you with me on my journey through Beth Moore's newest book, So Long Insecurity.  We've talked about what it means to be insecure and we've identified our roots of insecurity.  Since this book has been a wonderful time of reflection and testing, allow me to share a true story with you about how seriously ugly insecurity can be.  In part of Beth’s book she talks about how insecurity can make us miss out on opportunities that God may have planned for us.  It made me realize many times where I’ve done this, and I want to share one particular story with you in hopes that you will never allow insecurity to steal an opportunity God has planned for you. 

I’ve always enjoyed singing ever since I was a little girl.  But lest you start thinking I’m about to have a #1 hit, I’ll be the first to admit to you that I’m no Celine Dion.  I’ve had no formal training in singing, but I do have a love for my Heavenly Father and he puts a song in my heart, and I was never ashamed to belt out praises for Him.  That is, until I reached high school.

I sang occasionally at our church but I always felt inferior.  There were so many great singers in our church, my sister-in-law being one of them (she really is incredible, and I’m not just being biased).  Anyway.  Because I always felt inferior and because I had that root of personal disposition I shared about, I allowed one little critical comment about my singing to keep me from singing for years!

Someone approached me one day with some constructive criticism about my vocals, and instead of listening and taking it to heart (or not listening and continue singing anyway), I allowed that to feed my root until my root became a full fledged jungle of weeds.  I never wanted to sing in church after that.  I had a sour attitude about singing in general, and a hard heart towards this certain someone.  I even had other people mention to me that they missed hearing my singing, but there weren’t enough compliments in the world that could rip up those nasty weeds.  I began to feel some jealously towards the other people in church who continued to sing great.  In fact, it got so bad that my excuse for not singing was because the people in church were “too judgmental.”  I had cast the blame on them, when really it was my own silly sensitivity and insecurity!  (I believe this is what Beth is referring to when she talks about "idiot moments.")

Can we say, pathetic??  I can’t even believe for one second that I allowed that tiny comment to keep me from doing something I really enjoyed.  I had taken something that God once had gotten so much honor out of, and turned into something that probably repelled Him so much!  Is this insecurity thing making you sick yet?  UGH!

I am happy to report that I eventually got over my ego and God got a hold of my heart, but it wasn’t until we moved to NY.  All those years I allowed that insecurity to take me captive!  The one beautiful thing that came of all my mess was now I get on stage every week and belt out songs with our praise team, and I don’t care whose listening.  I don’t care who likes it.  I don’t care who doesn’t like it.  I sing from my heart, with all that’s in me, and I sing for my Lord. 

If you’ve been in this same boat with me, then let’s realize how absolutely ugly this insecurity thing can get and make a run for it!  Let’s promise ourselves to never go back to letting insecurity steal opportunities from us again.
 

2 comments:

  1. Your vulnerability is beautiful - thank you for sharing a specific example - it helps me to see how insecurity rears its ugly head in my own life. You do have a beautiful voice - I heard you sing when we were in your church in NY.

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  2. Good post, Rach. Thanks for sharing! You are such a strong woman and I am proud to know and love you :) Keep on singin girl!!!!

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Rachel